Movie reviews might be a thing that I start doing. Anyway, I just watched Thumbelina for the first time and well, that was a waste of an hour of my life. Let me let you in on why.
So, the movie starts with the most annoying bird ever to exist on the face of the planet. Honestly, his voice will probably make 1/4 of viewers stop the movie right there. I in fact had trouble finishing this movie, but we'll get to that later. So, the bird sings and his song goes "If you follow your heart you're sure to do impossible things" so, let me guess, if Thumbelina works for love she will do "impossible" things. Oh my, you've guessed correctly! Then, the story book literally opens as the bird describes the story of an old woman who wants a child. She goes to a witch for a child because logic, and the which gives her a flower and says "see what happens" because, logic. The flower blooms and the woman kisses it, because, logic. The flower then opens and reveals TinkerBelle (because she's birthed from a flower)....oh wait, Giselle (a I the only one who thinks they look alike?) with longer hair?!...no, Thumbelina. A fully grown teenager who for some reason assumes the old woman is her mother and also can speak perfect English, because, logic.
Thumbelina's mother introduces the internal struggle of our main character by reading to her about fairies and letting her know that fairies perhaps exist. She says "I wonder if fairies really are real" and well, considering the predictability of this movie, I'm guessing that- OH LOOK, FAIRIES! Blahblahblah stuffstuffstuff, and the fairy (prince of course) breaks into her room. Thumb is like oh no, stranger danger, and dives into a teapot, that, I liked. He convinces her to come out of the pot, more crap happens, and after talking for about two minutes, they already almost kiss. Then cue music as we sing Let Me Be Your Wings, literally claim how we will never drop our "only love" we met two minutes ago, and then drop her. Yes. Thumbelina is all googoogaga on his wings and says she wishes she had wings. My thought right at that moment was, if she ends this movie with wings I'm going to barf. The couple agrees to have their parents meet each other in the morning and dismiss each other.
So, all throughout the movie, more horrifically annoying voice acting is introduced. Examples: Bug Jago (the bird from Aladdin), did I mention the bird, Thumbelina herself (even tho she's voiced my Ariel, she's flipping obnoxious) a frog who tries to get thumbelina to marry her son, a mole who tries to get thumbelinia to marry "The Mole", the list goes on. Also, the plot gets really, really, really, really, REALLY, repetitive.
Thumbelina is trying to get home, it's impossible!, the bird reprises his stupid song, Thumbelina tries to go home, she runs into people, eventually, someone in this train of people she's met wants to marry her, she's roped into their game for a while, she gets away, rinse, repeat. Let us go into each scenario.
First, the Spanish frogs. I'd like to mention now that this story takes place in Paris and the only one with a french accent is that bird. Now, the Spanish frogs are semi-non understandable creatures living in a happy, "rich and famous" family. They sing to people. They ask Thumb to join their little singing thing and tell her she'll be big if she does. Being as smart as she is, she misinterprets big in fame to big in size and agrees to sing. They sing, and honestly, I wasn't even sure if they were still speaking English at this point, and for some reason, the son loves her. He says it's because of her voice. So, the son frog asks the mom frog if he can marry Thumbelina, she says yes, Thumbelina says no, and knowing she doesn't want to, they leave her alone on a lilly pad for some reason. She goes on about how life is impossible and poof, bird, bird who would rather let her fall off a waterfall, then just FLY HER AWAY FROM THE DANGER FOR CHRISTS SAKE, but whatever.
So, Thumb is done with impossibility and back to trying to walk home, instead of, say, getting a lift on the bird who's been following you around? She meets a Beetle who's voiced by the same guy who voiced Eyago, the Parrot in Aladdin. He calls her toots repeatedly and for her beautiful voice, makes her sing with him....SOUND FAMILIAR? So, somehow her weird outfit gets ripped off, and the croud who was obsessed with her thinks she's ugly, which she is. Every time they do a close up of her face I cringe, but anyway, she leaves. Suddenly, like legit in two seconds, winter starts. The bird's wing is hit by a thorn, and instead of just pulling it out, he continues to fly ingured. Prince magic-face falls in a river, and just as he is swimming out, it freezes. Obviously, he's dead now, considering people die just from being in water UNDER the ice, better yet the actual ice (but let's be real, we all know he's going to be thawed out). So, the frog and the Beetle who are know working together find the prince and assume, as he should be, that he is dead. Thumbelina takes shelter in, as sock. -_-
When our heroine wakes up, she's in the room of a mole. This female mole tells her her prince is dead and when thumb starts crying, she monotonically says "It's so sad". It is in fact not sad, because she ushures her along to meet The Mole, because there are no other moles in this story obviously. Stuff happens and because things are impossible Thumb decides to marry the said mole, after singing for him of course.
At the wedding, she has flashbacks of the five minutes she spent with prince trail-of-dust-so-long-behind-him-how-has-no-one-ever-seen-him-before, so she decides to go after him instead of the mole. So, prince gets thawed out, she goes to the fariy palace, he shows up, they kiss, are wed, stuff is magical, and then...
Why? WHO KNOWS?!?! IT JUST HAPPENS!! JUST BECAUSE THEY CAN!!!
I didn't even cover everything I could with this movie, there's too much, it's just horrific. Rating, one of five starts, and the one star is for Hero the dog, because he really does try his hardest to save Thumb. Did I mention how ridiculous it is that Prince SparklyFace can talk to dogs? Anyway, I'll come back to this movie but for now, just know, you shouldn't watch it, ever. EVER.
Mood: Not Impressed